Supercalifragi-phosphorus

I pick out my dishwasher detergent by the percentage of phosphorus in it. I didn’t even know what brands I bought, I just knew the lowest level was 1.6 percent. This information is in tiny print on the bottom of the label on the back of the bottle.

I am so used to flipping over dishwasher detergent bottles that I can flip through a shelf of detergent like pages in a book.

Recently, though, there was no 1.6 percent detergent on the shelf in two subsequent trips to the supermarket. I went to the customer service desk.

“And why is phosphorus important to you?” the woman at the desk said very kindly, very gently and with a slight smile.

“Well, ya know, it pollutes the water…” I stammered. “It makes a lot of algae grow…” I was trying my best not to say “eutrophication.” I managed not to say eutrophication, and I’m proud of that.

Eutrophication is the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious of this conversation. If I said it loud enough, I’d surely sound like an insane person with an overly-large vocabulary.

Eutrophication is when too many nutrients get in to a body of water. A layer of slimy green algae grows. The algae can use up the oxygen in the water, meaning fish and other water creatures can’t breathe. It blocks the light so underwater plants can grow, and underwater animals can’t see.

Basically, phosphorus is a fertilizer. Sewage treatment plants can take it out, but that’s expensive. And it’s hard to get all of it out. That’s a lot of money and a lot of trouble for something that stops glasses from spotting and little bits of food from sticking to your dishes. Apparently, there are other chemicals that can do the same thing without so much damage to water quality.

I should have practiced my explanation, because the Colgate-Palmolive customer service rep at the 800 number asked the same question, in the same way. (Yes, it turned out I had been buying Palmolive all this time. Who knew?) She went further though. When I mentioned the algae and the water pollution, she asked, “And why is that important to you?”

I hope you are imagining the witty come-back to that one, because I played it straight. And I really hate playing it straight.

You can read a lucid explanation of what phosphorus does to bodies of water from this clean water campaign in Minnesota.

There are also some great statistics on how what happens in your dishwasher translates into pollution in your local water body from Vermont.

And Grist’s Umbra will surely have you buying phosporus-free dishwasher detergent. As I may be soon.

BTW, Word’s spelling function includes “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” (which I had spelled wrong), but not “eutrophication.”